X-Factor #87

Title: “X-Amination”

Peter David, General Practice (Shana David, Associate)

Joe Quesada, Doctor of Gynecology

Al Milgrom, Doctor of Ophthalmology

Marie Javins, Doctor of Veterinary Medicine

Richard Starkings & Steve Dutro, Doctors of Podiatry

Kelly Corvese, Ear, Nose, and Throat

Bob Harras, Doctor of Crology

Tom DeFalco, Doctor of Proctology

(Note: To anyone that hasn’t seen the Ren and Stimpy show this will make no sense)

The Rahne and Simpy show begins. Rahne introduces herself and refers back to her friend Feral as Simpy. Rahne tells Simpy that she is so happy that she can’t think of anything that would spoil it. Simpy asks, “Nothing, Rahne? Not even…” as she holds up a record. Rahne tells her not to play that same stupid song, but Simpy throws the record onto the turntable and the music starts, “Mutant, mutant, angst, angst, mutant, mutant, angst, angst”.

Rahne tells the psychiatrist that at that point she wakes up from her dream. She says that it isn’t the first time she has had that type of dream. The psychiatrist asks what other types of dreams she has had. Rahne says that one time she dreamed of Rahne’s World (i.e. Wayne’s World) and there was one time that she fell asleep watching Rain Man on HBO and her entire dream was her saying, “I’m an X-Cellent mutant, X-Cellent mutant.” Rahne asks the doctor why she has this kind of dreams. The psychiatrist asks her why she thinks that she does. Rahne says that Guido warned her about psychiatrists. The doctor asks what he said. Rahne says that Guido said, “Dem shrinks always answer questions with questions.” Rahne asks if she can call him a shrink. The doctor says he has been called worse, and asks what else Guido said. Rahne goes on that Guido said that shrinks get paid for getting other people to do their work for them, and that a shrink would never give a straight answer when asked what a dream means. The doctor asks if she wants a straight answer. Rahne says that she does. The psychiatrist says that in all of her dreams that she has no sense of self. He says that it is always drawn from television or movies, and that it could be argued that she latches onto these identities because she is searching for some identity that she is comfortable with. He says that she is trying on personas the way other people try on shoes to see what fits. Rahne says, “wow”. The psychiatrist says that he could be completely off base. Rahne says that he is the doctor. The psychiatrist says that she seems to have a lot of respect for authority. He tells her to tell some of them that he knows and admires. Rahne lists Havok, Storm (though she adds that she was a bit distant), and Professor Xavier. Rahne says that she isn’t used to talking about him with outsiders, but that Val Cooper told her that he was filled in on everything. The psychiatrist asks Rahne how she felt when she saw Xavier injured. She says that she was terrified and that when they thought he would die that it was horrible. The psychiatrist suggests that she loves Xavier in a way. Rahne says that she does. He asks if she thinks that he loves her. Rahne says that she likes to think so. The doctor asks about Havok. Rahne falls silent. The doctor calls Rahne’s name. Rahne says that she loves him too in a way. He asks her what way that is. Rahne says that it is a way where she hurts when she is not with him. Rahne says that she knows that it makes Havok nervous and so she has been trying to keep it to herself. Rahne says that it is hard and that sometimes she just wants to… Rahne trails off but says that it isn’t proper the things that she is feeling. She says that love is difficult to quantify. The doctor asks Rahne about the man that raised her, Reverend Craig. Rahne says that she didn’t love him and that she doesn’t want to discuss him. The psychiatrist starts to make a suggestion, but Rahne becomes quite angry and a little feral. She shouts, “I said I dinnae want to talk about Reverend bleeding Craig! He hated me! End of story!” As the doctor speaks Rahne starts walking towards the door. The psychiatrist says, “…mightn’t it be that your investing so much of your love and personal involvement in authority figures… might be your way of trying to make up for the love that was denied you by your very first authority figure… namely Reverend Craig?” Rahne sticks her head back in the door and says, “wow” again.

Quicksilver sits with a Rubik’s Cube in his hand. He sees who the psychiatrist is and says that he is the one that Val chose for this odious task. The doctor asks why it is “odious”. Quicksilver says that it is idiotic government regulations that after a traumatic event that all team members have to attend counseling. Quicksilver says that it is nothing that they cannot handle and that they don’t need a doctor dissecting them. The doctor says that he takes it that Quicksilver doesn’t think much of him. Quicksilver says that he doesn’t think much of anyone. The psychiatrist says that Val warned him about his “PMS”. Quicksilver asks what that means. The doc says that she called it “Pietro Maximoff Syndrome”- an uncontrollable urge to be high-handed and arrogant. Quicksilver asks if he is living up to that assessment. The doctor says that he is and that he almost seems proud of it. Quicksilver flips the doctor a solved Rubik’s Cube. He says that he revels in it and that it isn’t everyone that can raise arrogance to an artform. The doctor points out a jigsaw puzzle if he would like to work on it. He asks Quicksilver if his not thinking much of anyone extends to himself. Quicksilver says that it applies to him most of all. The doctor asks if Quicksilver feels inferior. Quicksilver says, “Not at all. I simply hold myself to an impossibly high standard. No one else comes even close.” The doctor notes that Quicksilver doesn’t wear an X-Factor uniform. Quicksilver says that they haven’t offered, but the doctor counters that he has never asked. Quicksilver says that he prefers his individuality. The jigsaw puzzle starts “thapping” into place in rapid succession. The psychiatrist asks why he sets himself apart and if there isn’t anyone on the team that he feels close to. Quicksilver says that it is none of his business. As the pieces thap into place at record speed, Quicksilver says, “Tell me, doctor… have you ever stood in line at a banking machine behind a person who didn’t know how to use it? Or wanted to buy stamps at the post office, and the fellow in front of you wants to know every single way he can ship his package to Istanbul? Or gotten some counter idiot at Burger King that can’t comprehend ‘Whopper, no pickles?” The doctor says that he has. Quicksilver asks how he feels on those occasions. The psychiatrist says, “Impatient. Irritated. A little angry sometimes.” Quicksilver says, “Precisely. Because your life is being slowed to a crawl by the inabilities or the inconvenient behavior of others. It’s not a rational or considerate attitude to have, but there it is. Now, imagine, doctor, that everyone you work with, everywhere you go… your entire world… is filled with people who can’t work cash machines. I’d venture to say, doctor, that you too would suffer from PMS. Get the picture? Not so puzzling now is it?” Quicksilver holds up a completed puzzle of a snail.

Lorna Dane doesn’t say a word, but sits staring at the doctor’s candy dish. He remarks that the brace has come off and that her jaw is completely healed. Lorna says that it helped her lose weight. The doctor asks how she is. Lorna says that she is fine. The room is silent until the doctor finally says that he thinks that she doesn’t want to be there. Lorna asks him what makes him say that. He says that she hasn’t moved in ten minutes. Lorna says that she is so comfortable that she doesn’t feel like moving. She asks if they are done yet. The doctor says that she can leave if she wants to. The doctor says that Lorna doesn’t like him much. Lorna says that she likes him fine. The doctor says that she does not, and that he is curious as to why that is. Lorna asks how she is supposed to know. The doctor says that her records indicate that she has a very high IQ, and that she is an intellectual. He says that one so smart is usually aware of her shortcomings. Lorna says, “Shortcomings? Now you’re going to tell me that I’m fat, right? You’ll say that I’m a blimp. That compared to Rahne and Val, they might as well paint ‘Goodrich’ on my side.” The doctor says that Goodrich doesn’t have a blimp. Lorna curses and says that she wasn’t going to let him get into her head. He asks why she doesn’t want him to get into her head. Lorna says that because of others that have done it and forced her to say and do things. Lorna falls silent and a tear rolls down her cheek. The psychiatrist says that she must recognize the irony of commanding magnetism while having trouble feeling attractive and tending to repel things. He holds out a tissue for her, but Lorna knocks the box out of his hands and tells him to get stuffed. Lorna walks out.

Guido is playing with a yo-yo when the doctor mentions that he heard that Guido warned Rahne about him. Guido says that warned isn’t the right room, but that he was telling her about guys like him. The doctor asks if he has a lot of experience. Guido says that he saw a lot of guidance counselors when he was a kid. The doctor says that guidance counselors hardly do what he does, but asks why he saw so many of them. Guido says that he was always getting into trouble up until his mutant powers surfaced. The psychiatrist asks if he remembers the first time that happened. Guido says that was a red-letter day. Guido says that back in junior high he was still a geek and a nerd. He says that he was always the type to ruin the grade curve, and that the other kids hated him for it. Guido says that he doubled as the class clown, but that it only helped him a little bit. Guido says that most of all he wanted to impress Sheila McCann, but that he had no idea how to do that. He says that it hurt, but that the more it hurt the more jokes he would make to cover it. Guido says that when people know that you are hurting that they either pity you or eat you alive. He says that was his first lesson of childhood. One day after school, Sheila walked by and winked at him. Guido says that he started slobbering and that he said something to her though he can’t remember what it was. The next thing he knows his lights went out when Sheila’s boyfriend punched him. When he woke up, Guido saw everyone, including Sheila, laughing at him. Guido snapped and attacked. Sheila’s boyfriend and his friends starting beating him up and then his power manifested itself. Guido’s arm swelled up to its current monstrous size. He says that he didn’t know then that when his body absorbs kinetic energy that he has to release it right away or his body distorts permanently. Guido says that is when the bus hit him. Guido says that it took him a few days to figure out to release the energy, but by then he was the size that he is now. He says that at least he stopped it before it got any worse, but that to this day he is in constant agony. He says that he doesn’t let anyone know because those on the team are like his first real friends and that he couldn’t bear it if they pitied him. He says that he makes the jokes to cover up. The doctor says that he had no idea. Guido says, “Yeah well… always leave em laughin’.”

The doctor tells Jaime Maddox to lose his joy buzzer. Jaime says that he has no sense of humor, but the psychiatrist says that he has been told that. The psychiatrist says that he understands Jaime had an unusual childhood. Jaime says, “Well, yeah, if you call growing up on a deserted farm with your only company being your dead parents unusual, then okay.” The doctor says that he wants to try some word association. It starts and Jaime responds: Black. Motown. Up. And Away. Over. The Rainbow. In. Sane. Alone. Hell. The psychiatrist asks if those were really his reactions or if he just said them to get a reaction from him. Jaime says that he honestly doesn’t know. The doctor says that he likes to get reactions out of people. Jaime agrees that he will do anything for attention. The doctor asks why. Jaime responds, “Because it reminds me I’m alive. And it gets people to notice me. And when people notice me… it helps to make sure that I’m not alone.” Jaime taps his foot and a dupe is sitting on the arm of the chair Jaime is sitting on.

The doctor tells Havok that he doesn’t look very relaxed. Alex says that he is having difficulty relaxing lately. He says that he is always looking over his shoulder to make sure that none of the team is getting in trouble or looking for whoever is going to attack them next. The psychiatrist asks if Havok feels that he is carrying a lot of responsibility. Havok says that of course he is and that if something bad happens that it is because he let his guard down. Havok says that he has the feeling that someone is about to attack. The doctor asks how often he feels this way, and Havok admits that he has it all the time. The psychiatrist asks Havok to describe his brother for him. Alex says that Scott is the ideal leader. That he is dependable, dynamic, and determined. The psychiatrist asks if Alex loves him. Alex is silent for a minute and answers, “Well, I mean… what’s not to love?” The doc says that it doesn’t answer his question. Alex admits that he is jealous of his brother and that he just seems to command respect where he has to work his butt of for it. Alex says that he always feels like he is playing catch up with Scott, and that he is never living in the here and now because he is trying to be two steps ahead. He says that he is worried that he is being misjudged by Scott, Val, Lorna, and the team and that he doesn’t measure up. The psychiatrist asks why he doesn’t ask them. Alex says that he is afraid of what they will say. Alex says that something is definitely going to happen.

The psychiatrist is whistling to himself when Lorna comes back in. She is wearing an overcoat over her costume. He starts to ask her if something is wrong, but he is cut off when she says that she wants him to know that she lost fifteen pounds last month, and that even before she busted her jaw that she was dieting and exercising. She says that she thinks that she looks great. The doctor tries to point out that he never said she wasn’t, but Lorna cuts him off again and says that she means she looks really great. She rambles on, “And I am not repressed. And I am not self-conscious. And I am not repulsive.” He says, “I never said you…” Lorna continues, “I am not afraid to take chances with what people think of me, and I’m not afraid to be daring.” The psychiatrist asks if they had a conversation that he missed. Lorna takes off her overcoat and asks what he thinks. The doctor says that she kicks his hormones into overdrive. Lorna turns up her nose and says, “Exactly. Hmph. Some psychiatrist.” She walks out and slams the door. The doctor drops his pen on the floor.

Val sits in the room with the doctor. She says that she appreciates his consulting with the group and that she knows that they are not an easy bunch. She says that the important thing about being in charge is to know your people. She says that she has come to know them well. The doctor asks her to give him her impression of each of them. Val says that Rahne is a good kid. She says that she had a crush on Alex once, but that she has completely forgotten them. She says that Lorna is very bright and open. She says that she is very together and not afraid to let people in emotionally. She says that Quicksilver is snotty for no reason and that he is working to become a part of the group. She says that she thinks that he will be asking for a costume any time. She says that Guido is a total party guy, and that he is a wiseacre that feels no pain. She says that Jaime is a loner that doesn’t need a lot of people. She says that he is the most self sufficient besides Alex. The psychiatrist asks about Alex. Val says that Alex is totally confident as the leader. She says that he is totally out of his brother’s shadow. Val points out that the doctor dropped his pen. Val asks why they don’t act like other mutant groups and what is wrong with them.

Val storms out of the office and asks where he gets off. She says, “They’re normal, Ms. Cooper. They’re refreshingly human.’ Jeez. Telling me I need awareness training. The nerve! Maybe I should just resign. I mean, let’s face it. If the crush came down, I don’t know if I’d want my life depending on X-Fact…” The elevator doors open and a group of snake-like creatures come out, grab Val, and carry her off.

Doc Samson walks out of his office. He says that Val didn’t tell him where to send his bill. He notices her shoe on the ground. Samson walks by the other offices and sings “mutant, mutant, angst, angst” to himself.

Leader’s Lair rating: 10 out of 10

Outstanding story and art. This one issue summarizes everything you need to know about Peter David’s take on X-Factor. It’s all laid out in plain English for you to enjoy. A nice little summary on the behavior of each character. Joe Quesada does a great job with the art in this issue as well. Nothing happens at all and yet it is visually interesting to watch.

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