Incredible Hulk vol. 2 #365

Title: “Countdown: Fantastic 4"

Writer: Peter David

Penciller: Jeff Purves

Inker: Marie Severin

Colors: Glynis Oliver

Editor: Bobbie Chase

The Hulk has lain dormant for four hours. In that time, repair crews have been summoned and government officials have been contacted. The crew thinks that the gray monster is dead and don’t realize that time is a factor. They will shortly. One of the crew has Hulk lifted under a forklift. Hulk wakes up. One of the crew says that it is awake. Hulk corrects them, “He’s awake. Not it. Don’t want to insult me, do you?” Hulk lies on the ground remembering the Abomination and the poison. He throws the forklift, but strains to do it because of his weakened state. They shout to stop him, but Hulk just laughs and leaps through the ceiling to the outside. Hulk says that he needs some distance and time to think. Doc Samson arrives on the scene and asks what happened. One of the men says that he shouldn’t be there without a radiation suit. Samson says not to worry and that he and radiation are old friends.

At the Phoenix Science Convocation, Reed Richards is being introduced. Reed gets up and says that he would like to address how they can maintain an active interest in space beyond that of floating weaponry. Ms. Marvel, in her Thing-like form, tells Ben Grimm, now in human form, to stop griping. She says that she has never heard Reed give a speech. Ben says that he never has either and that he keeps falling asleep. He says that even Sue knows enough to go shopping instead. Suddenly there is a crash and the Hulk lands in the middle of the hall. He says that if nobody moves that nobody will get hurt. He says that he is looking for someone. Ms. Marvel says that it is the Hulk and that she has been dying for a piece of him. Reed protects the innocents from falling debris. Hulk points up to Ms. Marvel and says, “Grimm! Ha! What the heck happened to you? Last time you looked like a pineapple! Now you’re a broad? What a riot! I thought I had problems!” Hulk goes flying through the wall from a Ms. Marvel punch and she says that he thought right. Hulk hit the ground, hits a car, and sends the car flying into a comic book store. Hulk says, “Heh. Punches like a girl.” Ms. Marvel says that Hulk must be there to finish the job he started in New York. She tells him not to worry and that he is toast.

Susan Richards is shopping in a store nearby when she hears the crash. She says that they are under attack and that she had better get over there.

Ms. Marvel charges Hulk and says that he looks a little woozy. She tells him that she will prove that he is more mouth that muscle. Hulk says, “Keep yer distance, Grimm. This woman stuff is too weird for me. I’m afraid you’ll try and kiss me or something.” Ms. Marvel ducks under a Hulk roundhouse. Ms. Marvel knees Hulk in the stomach and says that she is not the Thing, but Ms. Marvel. Ms. Marvel punches Hulk in the head and he says that it figures he would change his name. He says that it could have been worse and that she could have called herself She-Thing. Ms. Marvel kicks Hulk and says that he thinks he is funny. She says that she wasn’t laughing when he tried to kill Ben in New York.

Ben watches on ashamed that he has to have Ms. Marvel defending his honor.

Ms. Marvel lifts a car over her head to hit Hulk with. Hulk tells her that there is a kid in the car. Ms. Marvel hesitates and the Hulk tackles her. Hulk says to hold it. He says that he didn’t come there for a fight. He says that he doesn’t mind, but before he can finish Ms. Marvel knocks him off her. She says that she is glad he isn’t there to fight, but that she is going to pound him. Hulk says that is big talk from someone who has the McDonald’s arches on her chest. Ms. Marvel starts laying into the Hulk. She tells him to laugh, but that she has handled cosmic-class world beaters. She says that he may have been hot stuff once, but that he only beat Ben with trickery. She says that he won’t pull anything on her. After the fourth hit, Hulk sticks his hand into Ms. Marvel’s mouth and lifts her off the ground. He says that he thought she talked a lot when he was a guy, but that now that he is a woman that it is even worse. He says that it seems the only way to shut her up is by using her uvula for a ping pong ball. He tells her that her uvula is the thing hanging in the back of her mouth, and wonders how he knew that. Ben Grimm leaps onto Hulk’s back. Hulk smashes Ms. Marvel into the ground. He says that if only they would listen to him. Ben grabs Hulk around the neck and says, “We’re not listening to anything, ya yahoo!” Hulk says that sounds like the Thing he knows. Hulk looks behind him and sees Ben Grimm. He says, “Cripes! It is you! Grimm! You look awful!” Ms. Marvel staggers up and asks where Hulk is. She lifts Hulk over her head and Hulk says, “I wouldn’t if I were you. Ben Grimm’s on my back.” Ms. Marvel doesn’t believe him and tosses the Hulk and Grimm away. Ben shouts, “Shary, no!” Hulk follows with, “Smooth move, Shary.” Reed manages to stretch out and cushion Ben and Hulk’s impact, but knocks himself out in the process.

Back at the research facility, Samson sits a table. He says that it can’t be him and that the Hulk is dead. He says that there is no way he could have survived being at ground zero of a gamma bomb. He says that he saw the Hulk’s ashes. Dr. Phil Sterns is escorted in. Samson asks if he is Doctor Sterns. Phil says that he is, and that he doesn’t appreciate being held so late into the night. Samson says that he wants to skip the small talk and that Phil should just tell him what he knows about Bruce Banner. He says that everyone he has spoken to says that they were friendly. Sterns says that they have never met. Samson smacks the table and destroys it. He tells Phil not to be coy with him and that his investigation indicates that the Hulk has been unleashed, and that he believes the janitor was Bruce Banner. Phil asks if he means Bruce Bancroft and says that it is news to him. Samson says that he believes Phil is hiding something, and that until he is satisfied that he won’t be leaving. Phil gets up and says that he can get caught up on his paperwork then. Phil walks out of the room.

Hulk holds Reed’s rubbery neck up. He tells him not to be unconscious and that he is the one he wanted to see. Ms. Marvel slams a pole into Hulk’s back and says that Hulk understands dirty fighting. Hulk crushes up the pole and says that now that he knows she isn’t the Thing that she is less interesting that ever. She says that maybe this will get his attention. She swings wide, but Hulk ducks under and says that he doesn’t think so. He punches her in the stomach and says that she is good, and that maybe someday she will be great, but that he has seen all her moves. He says that it is mostly wrestling moves with a few imitation maneuvers. Hulk says that he is an original and punches her across the face. He knocks her into a fire hydrant and the waters washes over her. Suddenly Ms. Marvel disappears. Hulk says that is a neat trick, but that it isn’t her trick. Hulk turns and sees Invisible Woman’s form outlined by the water pouring over her. He says that he didn’t have to let on that he could see her. He says that he could have attacked her before she knew what was happening. He tries to repeat that he didn’t come there to fight, but he is stricken with another attack and cramps over. Ms. Marvel hits Hulk in the head and knocks him to the ground. She says that she did it and that she never thought that he could. Reed says that he doesn’t think she did. He says that he thinks that something was wrong with Hulk and that needs their help. Grimm asks why they should help the Hulk after all he has done to them. Reed says that Ben doesn’t mean that. He says that for most of the Hulk’s existence that he has been a confused child. Reed says that they can’t turn their back on him. Ms. Marvel says that the child has grown into a homicidal adult, and that she doesn’t see why they have to help him. Reed says, “Because of who we are, Shary, and what we stand for. And because… it’s proper.” Ms. Marvel asks if that is his argument. She asks if Reed is always like this. Ben says that usually he is worse. Sue lifts Hulk up with her force field and asks Reed where he wants him.

Hulk wakes up in the hospital. Reed introduces Dr. Baker. He says that he was at the conference he “crashed”. Hulk asks what the EKG says. Reed tells Hulk that he could thank Dr. Baker. Hulk quietly says, “thank you”. Dr. Baker says that Hulk has had a heart attack, several in fact, and that it is amazing that he is alive. He says that Hulk’s heartbeat is very erratic, and that he doesn’t know why. Reed says that they tried to take a blood sample, but that even the Hulk’s gums broke the needles. Hulk asks if they have a test tube. Baker holds one up. Hulk punches himself in the nose. Hulk’s nose is bleeding. Hulk says that he will keep it coming until they have enough, but asks if they will get him some aspirin.

At a bar and grill. Ben Grimm is talking to himself. He is saying that the guy tries to kill him and that they are helping him. Hulk walks in. He says that it is Saturday and that he usually has Michelob, but that he will have a milk instead. Grimm says to put it in a dirty glass though and Hulk agrees. Hulk says that Grimm is paying. Ben says that Hulk must really be getting off on this, and that there isn’t a thing he can do about it. Hulk says, “Literally”. Hulk asks Grimm if he feels helpless, and says that now he know he felt cooped up inside Banner all those years. Grimm tells him not to hand him his problems. He says that Hulk has a lot of nerve coming to people that he has had a grudge against for years. Hulk says that Grimm is the one who has the grudge. Grimm says that he is the one that always started wrecking everything every time he showed up. Hulk says that is a good example. Hulk says that the first time they met there was a guy named the Wrecker that was destroying rocket sites. Hulk says that they just assumed that he was the Wrecker with no evidence at all. He says that based on what they saw they attacked him. Grimm asks so what. Hulk says that they could have apologized. Grimm asks if he is crazy. He says that Hulk tried to kill him in New York. He asks Hulk why he cares anyway. Hulk says that if he has been trying to kill him that he would be dead. He says that as for why he cares that he has a bad feeling about what is happening to him and that he feels like he should be settling accounts. He wonders why they have been beating on each other all those years. Grimm says that Hulk attacked him because he was a monster like him, but that he had friends and had made something of himself. He says that even when he was brainless that it made him sick. Hulk says, “Yeah, Grimm? And you always attacked me… because you spent all your time wishing you weren’t a monster, and envying me because I never once, not once, wished I was something else. You envied that I was happy being the Hulk. And you envied that I was stronger, and that I could cut loose without conscience, or concern, or care. Maybe I never penetrated your rock, but I got under your skin. Remember that, if we ever meet again.” Hulk starts leaving. Grimm calls to the Hulk and apologizes for thinking that he was the Wrecker. Hulk says, “Remember all those times I beat you up?” Grimm says, “Yeah?” Hulk says, “I was going easy on you.” Hulk walks out and leaves Grimm there.

Hulk returns and says that it is three hours later, and asks what his results are. Reed says that Hulk has been injected with a poison the likes of which they have never seen. Reed says that it is kind of like an artificially created AIDS virus. Hulk asks if he is supposed to practice safe fighting. Reed says that it is mutating constantly. He says that Hulk’s healing factor can’t eliminate it from his body. Hulk asks them to bottom line it. Reed says that the poison is attacking his heart and surrounding arteries. He says that it is creating blockages. He says that his healing factor fixes it, but that it keeps returning. Reed says that becoming the Hulk saved his life, but that the instant he changes back into Banner that it will kill him. Hulk says that Reed is saying that when the Sun comes up that if a cure isn’t found that he is going to die. Reed says that is what he is saying.

No Excuses rating: 9 out of 10

Peter David is hysterical in this issue. The confusion between Ms. Marvel/Thing’s identity is priceless. And the discussion between Hulk and Ben Grimm is not only dead on accurate, but it also really funny. 5 out of 5 for the writing. Purves does an outstanding job with the pencils in this issue. His style still lacks something, but his fighting sequence and storytelling were really on in this issue.

Reviewed by The Leader

Pictures by Captain Nate

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