Incredible Hulk vol. 2 #374

Title: “No Autographs”

Writer: Peter David

Penciller: Dale Keown

Inker: Bob McLeod

Colors: Glynis Oliver

Editor: Bobbie Chase

Rick Jones is tackled. He is told to surrender and that he is only exacerbating the situation. Rick says that he doesn’t know the meaning of the word. The person attacking says that it means to give up. Rick says that he doesn’t know what exacerbating means. Rick kicks his way free. He grabs his guitar and hits his attacker over the head. Rick runs away and says that was his favorite guitar. Rick climbs a fence. He says that this gig stinks and that he should have taken Snapper up on his offer to join his rock group. HE says that he had to try something different, but that he is in the same old trouble. Rick runs right to the Thing. Rick says that he is glad to see him. Thing asks if he is having problems. He says that Rick looks out of breath. Rick says that he thought he was out of his mind like everyone else in this ‘burb. He says that he came there to do an autograph session for his book. He asks Thing if he has read it yet. Thing says that he hasn’t yet. Rick says that the whole place turned “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” on him. Rick says that he heard that Thing had become human, but that he obviously changed back. Rick asks what their first move is. “Thing” smacks Rick unconscious. Thing’s shadow becomes a smaller, pointy-earred silhouette, and then it changes into that of a little girl.

Elsewhere, at a Book Barn, Betty buys a copy of Sidekick. The clerk says that this is his last copy and that he has to reorder. He says that they are talking about a movie. He says that they are talking about Tom Cruise as Rick Jones. Betty says that as long as they get Kathleen Turner as Betty that she will be happy. The clerk asks, “Betty who?” Betty tells him to skip it. The clerk tells Betty to be careful and that the town gets a little rough after dark. Betty says that she can handle it. Three muggers wait for Betty. They push her down, take her purse and her bag. As they walk away, Hulk lands in front of them and says, “Surprise. Okay. One more time. This is your brains. This is my fist. This will be your brains on my first. Get the message?” The mugger says to get this and fires a round into Hulk’s chest. Hulk clutches his chest and falls over. The muggers gather around to look at him. Hulk scoops all three of them up by their ankles. He says that they picked the wrong lady, at the wrong time, to mug. The muggers say that they are sorry. One of them says that this is the first time they have ever done it. Hulk shakes all the money, wallets, and watches that they stole out of their pockets. Hulk says that they had a busy night for first timers. Hulk says that he thinks that it is time for them to see the light. Hulk wraps a lamppost around the three muggers and leaves them in front of the police station.

Hulk reads from “Sidekick”, “Sometimes I’d lie awake in the orphanage and try to picture what my parents looked like. As I’ve gone through life, I’d trade all the wonders I’ve seen just to glimpse their faces.” Hulk says, “So he doesn’t remember his folks. He’s lucky. They mighta been like…” Betty asks, “like what?” Hulk says to skip it. He throws the book over his shoulder and says that he doesn’t read books anyway. He says that he will wait for the movie, and that they better get Arnold to play him or there will be trouble. Hulk asks Betty what she is doing. Betty says that she is checking maps. She says that she and Bruce were talking and that they decided that they should find Rick. Betty says that Rick knows lots of people and that he will know the best way to proceed. Hulk says to forget it and that he doesn’t need anybody. Betty tells Hulk to go ahead and leave then. She say that she can’t stop him. Hulk looks at Betty. He says that he hopes they get Zsa Zsa Gabor to play her in the movie. Betty says that Rick told her that his publisher was sending him on an autographing tour. She says that if she remembers the dates right that he should be in Bunkport. Hulk says that they are really sending him to all the hot spots. Betty says that Rick said the same thing, but that the town contacted the publisher and was most insistent. Betty finds Bunkport on the map.

Rick is woken up with a bucket of water to the face. Rick wakes up dreaming that Atlantis is attacking again, but then realizes his captors gave him the “10-gallon wake up call”. Rick shouts out to his captors that he knows people with serious biceps and funky costumes. He says that they will get him out of there and beat the snot out of them while they are at it. He says that they can forget all about it if they free him now. The only answer is a spotlight in the face. Rick tells them to douse that a bit and that he may want to use his retinas again. Rick asks who he is anyway. “Rick Jones” from the first issue of the Hulk walks over to Rick. Rick sees “Rick” and says that he is Fredric Wertham. He says that he isn’t buying this. “Rick” slaps Rick and says that he is the bozo that destroyed Bruce Banner’s life. Rick says that he didn’t destroy it and calls “Rick” a Xeroxed zombie. He says that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He says that it was an accident. “Rick” says that he was there. He says that he had to be the big man and sneak onto the testing grounds. “Rick” hits Rick and says that he forced Bruce Banner to save him and turned him into a gamma sponge. Rick shouts, “No you didn’t! It was me! You’re not me! I am!” ‘Rick” asks if he is the idiot that did all that then. Rick says that he is. He says that he ruined Bruce’s life and asks if he is happy.

Betty sleeps on Bruce. Bruce has counted to one hundred eighty thousand twenty nine sheep before Betty wakes up. Betty asks Bruce if he got any sleep. Bruce says that he is fine. He says that they have lain around long enough. Betty says that it is only 9am. She says that they only laid down at sunrise. She says that the Hulk traveled all night. Bruce snaps that what the Hulk did or didn’t do is of not interest to him. He says that they aren’t going to accomplish anything by wasting time sleeping. He asks if that is clear. Bruce walks off and Betty wonders if Bruce slept at all.

Rick dressed as Bucky is the next to visit Rick. Rick asks if this is the Ghost of Christmas present. He says to give him a break. Bucky asks if he should give the betrayer a break. Rick asks what this “betrayer” jazz is. Bucky kicks Rick and says that is for when he ditched Cap. He kicks him again and says that is for ditching Mar-Vell. He kicks him again and says, “And Rom! And Betty!” Bucky says that they have been a user all their lives. Bucky says that he hangs out with people, use them until he is done, and then goes off to the next adventure, leaving a trail of broken bodies and responsibilities. Rick says, “Not you… me…” He says that he thinks he has a cracked rib and asks him to stop. “Rick” looks at Rick and says that he thinks he is unconscious. Bucky says that it wouldn’t surprise him. A voice behind them says, “Did you have to mention Mar-Vell? Just hearing his name fills me with disgust.” “Rick” tells him to be disgusted, but not to forget their goal. A large shadow turns into the little girl. “She” says that she remembers, but that she doesn’t have to like it.

Bruce walks with Betty in Bunkport. He says that the newspaper man said that Bunkport was a ghost town since the bottom fell out of the local industry. He says that judging by the lack of population he would say that the man was right. Betty asks why they would insist on Rick signing. Betty spots the bookstore. Two pointy eared shadows turn into two people shaped shadows as Bruce and Betty enter the front door. Betty says that they are there for the signing. The clerk says that the punk never showed up. He says that he guesses that he had better thing to do than keep his word. The “little girl” plays with her doll. Bruce grabs the man and says that he thinks that he is lying, and that Rick wouldn’t simply not show. Bruce insults the man and says that if they are up to something that Heaven help them. Bruce walks out. Betty follows him and asks him why he is being like this. Bruce says that he has decided that he is tired of the world doing whatever it wants to him and his. He says that he would think that she, of anyone, would appreciate that. Betty says that what she appreciates is that if he doesn’t get a few hours of sleep that he is going to go crazy. Bruce says, “Betty… sweetheart… my dearest love… you’re talking to a man who presently has three personalities. What makes you think I’m not crazy now?”

Rick wakes up surrounded by his former partners. Rom, Captain America, Hulk, and Mar-Vell look down at him. Rom says that Rick has hurt and used so many. Cap says that in his search for his own identity that he has deserted and betrayed so many people. He asks Rick who he thinks he is. The people surrounding him turn into Bucky, “Rick”, a Hulk, and the Rick Jones Hulk. Bucky says that there are so many identities and that it is no wonder he hung out with masked men who hide themselves. Bucky says that he doesn’t even know his own identity. “Rick” asks Rick who he is. Rick says that he doesn’t know anymore.

Betty tells Bruce that the few people they see are staring at them like they are from another planet. Bruce says to ignore them. Betty asks Bruce if he is sure they should go into the police station. Bruce yells at the cop behind the desk, “Excuse me! I said excuse me! Rick Jones was supposed to come to this armpit of a town to sign autographs. He’s vanished. Why aren’t you looking for him?” The cop says that he doesn’t know any Nick Jones. Bruce shouts, “Rick! Rick Jones!” The cop tells Bruce to get lost, and that he doesn’t know Nick. Bruce asks the cop if he is deaf and stupid. The cop warns Bruce to “push off”, but Bruce says that he will push this whole town down around his ears. Betty pulls Bruce out.

Outside, Betty tells Bruce that this isn’t helping anything. She says that he is going to get them arrested, and that the government would love to know where he is so that he can never become the Hulk again. Bruce says that they are hiding something and lying to him. The little girl tugs on Bruce’s pant leg. She asks Bruce if he is looking for his friend. A nice man with brown hair. Bruce says that he is. The little girl says that she can take him to him, and that he is in a bad place. Bruce asks the little girl what is happening in this town. The little girl says that she doesn’t know, but that everyone is being really different. She says that she wants them to stop and asks if she takes him to the bad place where his friend is if they will make them stop. Bruce says, “absolutely”.

Bucky says that he thinks that he is ready now, and that his mind should be pliable enough to get the information they want. He says to make sure that everything is prepared, and that he will bring him along in a few minutes. Bucky wonders who would have thought that someone like Rick Jones would be worth all this trouble, or that someone with a mind like his could be so easily broken. Rick punches Bucky in the face and says, “Apparently someone as dumb as you thought it!” He kicks Bucky in the stomach. Rick gets into the Bucky costume and leaves the other Rick tied to the chair. He asks if they think that after the life he has had that the “Clockwork Orange” riff would work. He says that was nothing and tells him to try counting to five billion while hanging out in the Negative Zone. He says that when you are Captain America’s partner that you learn to take punches and slip ropes. Rick walks out and says, “Hoooleeee cow. I don’t believe what I’m seeing.”

The little girl points to a building and says that is the bad place. She says that she is scared to get to close. Bruce opens the door and says that they will take it from here. Suddenly a giant orange rocky arm knocks Bruce down. Betty turns around. Super Skrull tells Betty that she has wandered into a Skrull operation helmed by him, but that she won’t be wandering out again.

No Excuses rating: 8.5 out of 10

Review and pictures by The Leader

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