Incredible Hulk vol. 2 #412

Title: “Bi Me That”

Writer: Peter David

Penciller: Paul Pelletier

Inker: Cam Smith

Colors: Glynis Oliver

Editor: Bobbie Chase

At the airport, Bruce lifts Jen into the air. He says that she is looking a little green and lifts her into the air. She-Hulk says that it is good to see him too. Bruce asks how her flight was. Jen says that the food was lousy, the seat was cramped, and that Sauron attacked… she says that it was the usual. A boy walks by with a torn Felix the cat toy. His mother says that she is sorry, but that they don’t have time to fix his toy right now.

In the limo, Jen asks Bruce when he became a beer drinker. He says that it is recent, and that it is an acquired taste. He says that he is so thrilled to see her, but that it is kind of sudden. He asks if anything is up. Jen says that, quite frankly, she is concerned about him. She says that buzz is that he is involved with revolutions, terrorists, and jailbreaks. Bruce says that what matters is that he is doing what’s right. Jen says that he is talking the law into his own hands. Bruce says that ‘legal’ doesn’t always mean ‘just’. He says that as a lawyer she knows that. Bruce says that he is sick of justifying himself to everyone that thinks that their moral center is better than his. He says that he hopes she isn’t there to annoy him, and that she wouldn’t like him when he is annoyed. He says that considering that they were there for one another when they were basically unhappy that it would be tragic if they became enemies now that they are well adjusted. Jen seems a little shocked. A sparkle appears just as the limo drives by.

At the Mount, a tech notices a huge neutrino jump in Dr. Banner’s vicinity. She says that his personal monitoring device just registered a massive influx in the area, and that something possessing incredible energies just appeared near him.

Bi-Beast appears on the road the Hulk’s limo was just riding. One skull brother asks what they should do first. The other skull brother says that they must not rush into a decision. He says that they can savor a galaxy of opportunities, and that they know that nothing can stop them… now that they have the “family jewels”. The family jewels start to sparkle in Bi-Beast’s hand and the Bi-Beast disappears.

The tech says that it is gone again. She asks if they should alert Dr. Banner. Hector tells her to run a diagnostic first, and that it could be a glitch in the instruments again. He says that there is no point in bothering Banner until they know what is happening.

In Reno, Jen says that she thinks that it is terrific that Rick and Marlo are getting married. She asks if they have set a date. Marlo says that it is on April 17^th. She says that it isn’t far off, but that sometimes the time just crawls around there. Betty says that she knows what Marlo means. She says that she only met Bruce a few years ago, but that in many ways it seems like three decades. Rick says that she told the Avengers about it, but that he felt like he was being blown off. He asks if he is just being paranoid. Jen says that she is sure it is nothing, but that she will check into it. She asks who is arranging the bridal shower. Betty puts her hand up. Jen asks where her invitation is.

Samson pulls up outside the apartment in his car. He sees Bruce’s silhouette in the window and figures he has come for a visit. He says that he isn’t going to dodge him, or his sessions, this time. He says that they are going to have a lengthy and detailed chat about his condition, and that nothing short of a full blown super-villain attack is going to stop it. Suddenly, the Bi-Beast appears and punches Samson in the mouth. He gets up off the ground and says, “Me and my big mouth…”

Glynnis, the tech from the Pantheon, shouts that it is back again and that it is barely meters away from him.

Jen leans on Bruce’s shoulder and whispers that she can think of a few reasons the Avengers might be cool towards Rick. She asks if any “mea culpas” come to mind. Bruce whispers back and asks if he is supposed to be responsible for the actions of everyone in the world. Bruce’s watch tell him to “come in”. Hector tells Bruce that there is a big neutrino jump right in his area. Bruce asks if he is sure and says that everything is normal there. Suddenly, Samson smashes through the window badly beaten. Betty tells him to say something. Samson incoherently tells “Murray” that the knishes aren’t cooked nearly enough. Bruce says that anyone with the word “Hulk” in there name to come with him.

Outside, Hulk and She-Hulk find Bi-Beast wearing the family jewels around his neck in a necklace. Bi-Beast tells Hulk to come to his death. Jen says that when he mentioned normal earlier. Hulk says that normal is a relative term and that this is actually a fairly normal day for him. The top skull tells Hulk to sneer now, but then he is interrupted as the lower skull notices She-Hulk. He says that he doesn’t think they have been properly introduced. Jen rolls her eyes and realizes that yet another odd muscle bound creature has become infatuated with her. The lower skull says, “We’re the Bi-Beast, and we think you have a phenomenal set of…” Hulk tackles Bi-Beast.

On the home world of the Stranger, Stranger speaks into a recording device. He says that experiment 301 continues. He says that it is a remarkable testimony to the power of single-mindedness. He says that he “happened” to let the Bi-Beast near the unguarded talisman of power: the family jewels. He says that the jewels could take him anywhere in the blink of an eye and allow him to perform deeds on a galactic scale, but then he goes home and engages in a pointless act of vengeance. He asks what it is about earth creatures that they cannot move forward without trying to settle “scores”. He says that they all need to have the “last word”. He says that this is a waste of time and decides to mix things up. He says that Hulk and Bi-Beast are ostensibly of genius mentality. He wonders if he sets the jewels to detonate with force enough to destroy everything in a thousand mile radius if either of them would realize. Stranger pushes a button and waits.

Hulk says that Bi-Beast is a fool. He says that he doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but that Bi-Beast will suffer. Bi-Beast presses a car over his head. He says that all Hulk does is talk. The lower skull says that since he is talking so much maybe he could put a good word in with his cousin. The top skull tells the lower one to shut up. Hulk hits Bi-Beast and asks what the jewels around his neck are. Hulk tries to grab them, but he is electrocuted by them. Bi-Beast says so much for the all powerful Hulk and tosses him aside. She-Hulk says that she has a few friends that are “bi”, but that he isn’t one of them. The lower skull says that they would like to be more than friends. The top one says that they wouldn’t, but the lower one says that they would again. She-Hulk punches Bi-Beast and says that she is sick of every ugly creature deciding that he is madly in love with her. The Bi-Beast lies on the ground. The top skull says that they are not in love, but the bottom one says that they are. He says that she is magnificent and tells her to punch him again. She-Hulk tells him to get his heads together.

Hector calls out to “Chief”. Hulk wakes up and tells Hector not to call him chief. Bruce asks if this can wait and says that he is in the middle of something. Hector says that he doesn’t know the half of it. He says that readings just went off the scale and that there is some sort of build up. He says that in five minutes the fluxes will exceed their molecular field. Bruce asks how much force the explosion will have. Hector says that it will level half the continent and that he has to find the source. Bruce says that it is found and looks at Bi-Beast. The bottom skull asks what the scent She-Hulk is wearing is called. Jen says that it is sweat. The top skull says that this is disgusting, and Jen asks if he is telling her. Bi-Beast dips She-Hulk and the lower skull puckers his lips for a kiss. The top skull orders the bottom one to let her go, but the bottom skull is too busy telling She-Hulk that once she has had a double header that there is no going back. Jen says that she is a lawyer and that this is becoming sexual harassment. Hulk hits Bi-Beast and says that it is becoming suicide. He says that the thing on his neck is about to blow up. He tells him to hand it over. Bi-Beast hits Hulk and tells him to pry it from his cold dead fingers. The top skull says that finally they are of one mind again. She-Hulk calls to Bi-Beast. She says that she would love to try the necklace on, and that if she were wearing it that she doubts she would need to wear anything else. The lower skull says that they could see how it looks on her. The top skull says that she is trying to trick him. He says that the jewels are affecting his mind and robbing him of his ability to think. Hector tells Hulk to get to whatever is giving off the readings fast. Bi-Beast hits Hulk. She-Hulk grabs the jewels. They electrify She-Hulk, but when Bi-Beast knocks her off the jewels go flying.

The jewels land right in front of the little boy with the torn Felix doll. He decides they are cool and stuffs them into the open tear on his toy. His mother finds him and asks what he has stashed in his toy. The Bi-Beast grabs the toy and says that if he had willed it that the stones would have blasted him into non-existence. He says that maybe he will give him a taste of it right now. Hulk and She-Hulk hit Bi-Beast in the back and send him flying into the Perfessor toy store.

She-Hulk says that Bi-Beast is out cold, but that the toy is nowhere around. Hulk says that the place is covered in dust and that it should be too hard to find it. Hector radios to Hulk that he has two minutes before the thing blows. Hulk says that they should find it in plenty of time, but then he looks up and sees shelf after shelf of Felix toys… all identical to the one with the jewels in it.

After tearing through all the shelves, Hulk finds the Felix doll with the jewels inside with ten seconds to spare. Bruce tells Jen to run for it. She asks if he is going to try and smother the explosion with his own body, and says that it will never work. Bruce says that it is the only shot they have. Jen hugs Bruce. She says that one Hulkish body doesn’t stand a chance, but that together they have a smidgen of hope. Jen thanks Bruce for everything and says that it has been a blast. A giant explosion starts to build, but then it fizzles out. Jen asks what happened. Bruce says that he is guessing that someone set them to explode just to see how they would react… an experiment. Jen says that it wasn’t an experiment. She says that it was cheap melodrama. She says that this place has gone straight downhill since Byrne left. She says that “they” can tell and that everyone out there knows it. Bruce asks what Jen is talking about. Jen asks if Bruce doesn’t see “them’ and that “they” are watching them. Bruce says that there isn’t anyone. Jen says that she is breaking the fourth wall and that she does it all the time. Bruce says that there is no wall there. He tells her to calm down. Bruce says that he thinks that maybe she should talk to Samson.

No Excuses rating: 6.5 out of 10

This issue is a big disappointment to me. I don’t know if I’m the only one, but I really like the Bi-Beast. It’s been 200 issues since Hulk got to fight Bi-Beast and the entire issue is a joke. Peter David mocks Bi-Beast poor motivations. I have to agree, but I think it falls more on Peter to come up with something interesting for Bi-Beast to do. On the plus side, Bi-Beast shows up and I always like to see She-Hulk and Hulk together. Doesn’t happen nearly enough as far as I’m concerned. Paul Pelletier does a really nice job with more space than four pages to demonstrate his skills. Another rare instance in which the penciller’s grade is greater than Peter David’s. 4 out of 5 for the art.

Title: “Ulysses, conclusion: Heir Apparent”

Writer: Peter David

Penciller: Paul Pelletier

Inker: Cam Smith

Colors: Glynis Oliver

Editor: Bobbie Chase

A pregnant Andromeda holds Ulysses’ ashes above her head in an urn. She says that may his battles continue in the after life and that may the next bearer of his weapon bring glory and triumph to it and to him. Walter, Achilles, Cassiopeia, Perseus, Agamemnon, and Jason are in attendance. They say, “So say we all.” Cassie blows a bubble and says that it is so gross that they all drip blood into the urn. Perseus tells his daughter to be quiet and to get rid of her gum. Andromeda suddenly goes into labor. Walter asks if she is okay. Jason scoops her up and asks Walter what he thinks. Jason tells Andromeda to hold on and that they will get her to the maternity ward. Agamemnon says that they aren’t done yet. He says that the mantle of their fallen comrade must be carried on and his final wishes known. Agamemnon asks Walter what Ulysses’ last words were. Walter is about to stammer out that he said that he was a jerk, but Achilles says that Walter can’t speak since he is so overcome. He says that Ulysses told him that if anything happened to him that he could think of no better heir than Walter. Agamemnon says that if that was his last wish that they will honor it. Agamemnon tells Walter to pick up his new weapons and rank. Agamemnon says that from this day forward that he will be known as Ulysses. Ulysses looks at his new sword and asks who stuck gum to the hilt. He says, “Cassiopesaaaa…” Perseus rolls his eyes. Cassie apologizes to her father.

Later, Nathan runs from Ulysses. He says that he hates him, that he doesn’t care what he is supposed to call him, and that he will always hate him. He says that he hopes Ulysses dies. Ulysses says, “Great. Another satisfied customer.” Achilles says that he will get over it. Ulysses asks why should he. He says that he shares the same opinion of him that Ulysses had. He says that Achilles knew what he thought of him and that he didn’t have to cover for him. Achilles says that he thinks that deep down Ulysses knew that he would cover for him. He says that he thinks he sensed it and that he always held it against him. He says that he has his own course to chart now. Ulysses asks if Andromeda had the baby, but then looks down and sees the baby in a bassinet. Achilles sees that the name is Delphi. He says that figures and that she swears that the baby is going to have “the sight” like she used to. Ulysses looks at the baby’s eyes and says that you could lose yourself in her eyes. Ulysses welcomes Delphi to the Pantheon and says that maybe they can be friends.

No Excuses rating: 7 out of 10

Review and pictures by The Leader

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