Incredible Hulk vol. 3 #33

Title: “Tides”

Writer: Christopher Priest

Penciller: Jon Bogdanove

Inker: Jon Bogdanove

Colors: Avalon Studios’ Arsia Rozegar

Editor: Tom Brevoort

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING GREEN

Queen sends for Kono. She says that she needs a shoulder, and she makes sure that the priests here have “this attorney-client thing going”. Kono says that he will keep his lady’s confidence unto death. Queen says that despite the fact that she never knew them she talks to her deceased parents when she is confused. Queen says that she is just a Chicago street kid, and wonders what she is doing in Wakanda in the order of the Dora Milaje. Kono says that Queen knows in her heart that this is where she belongs. Queen says that Kono is right, and that it’s a feeling of belonging and safety. Kono asks Queen what is troubling her. Queen says that she thinks she lost a friend today. It all started with an emergency alert that occurred while the king was away.

The Hulk was on the corner of Okavango and Serengeti, in Wakanda, fighting a few jets and two large robotic panthers. Queen remembers that the last time she saw the Hulk that she had to tell him a lie so that he would run away from the police that were coming. The lie hurt his feelings so that the Hulk would leave quickly. Hulk smashes one of the panther’s feet. Queen decides that she might be able to stop what the Wakandan military could not. Queen calls out to Hulk. Hulk asks who is calling him. Queen reminds Hulk of who she is. She stands in front of Hulk for a few seconds, though it felt like hours, until the Hulk recognizes her. Hulk quickly scoops Queen up excited to see her. Hulk asks how Queen’s grandmother is remembering the lie that Queen had told him. Queen says that she is fine. Hulk tells Queen that puny men attacked him for no good reason. Hulk says that he just stopped to get some water. Hulk says that he is going to smash puny men. Queen asks Hulk if he wouldn’t like some breakfast first. Hulk says that he is angry, not hungry. Queen says that he shouldn’t smash on an empty stomach. She says that they’ll go have some grits now and smash later. Hulk grumbles and says okay. He scoops Queen up and leaps away.

KISS THE COOK

Queen says that she figured that a trip to her favorite place might help calm Hulk down. Queen tells Hulk that the secret to good grits is to add milk. She says that the label says to add water, but that is for white people. Hulk says that he is green. Queen says that her grandmother always told her not to read a label, never read a cookbook, or a measuring cup. Queen says that only stupid people need recipes. Hulk shouts that he is not stupid and smashes the stove. Queen decides that maybe cooking isn’t Hulk’s thing.

SOMETHING ELSE

Hulk tries sitting in the front of a jet, but is way too big and tilts the plane off it’s back wheels. Hulk says that plane is too puny for him. Queen says that they have a long way to go from here to help out some friends. Hulk climbs out of the plane and says that he has no friends. Queen asks, “Not even me?” Hulk corrects himself and says that he has one friend. Queen says that they have to get to a barrier in the Baltic Sea. Hulk says that he knows where that is. Queen says that Hulk doesn’t fit in the plane. Hulk grabs Queen and leaps off. He says that he does not need plane.

Queen says that she had seen Hulk leap a few blocks or over a river, but that was something entirely different. Bruce would leap into the air a mile high, and then angled it so that he would come down hundreds of miles away. Hulk and Queen are nearly hit by a plane and Hulk yells at them to get out of his way. Queen was having some trouble dealing with the pressure, but then she remembers that she has her scuba gear with her. Queen was worried that they were going to fall into the water, but Hulk saw a tiny spot of land and hit it at just the right angle and covered nearly a thousand miles this leap.

HICCUPS

Soon they are in the Baltic. Queen sticks a marble into Hulk’s ear so that he can hear her talking to him underwater. Queen says that they need to be able to communicate. She says that if the military spots them that it could get ugly. Hulk says that he will smash them. Queen says that these men need him now. Hulk is confused when Queen says men because she told him that they were there to help puppies. Queen says that she meant puppies, and that the puppies are trapped in a damaged submarine and are running out of air. Queen says that she was just trying to give Hulk a constructive outlet, a small victory, to feel good about. She thought that maybe she could help him channel his anger. Hulk swims along at what felt like 80 knots. Soon they reach the Russian sub that sank with all hands on board. Queen says that air inside should help maintain the hull integrity and make it easier to lift. Hulk shouts that he doesn’t need integrity. Hulk lifts the submarine off the floor. Suddenly Hulk is blasted in the back. A few ships and personal underwater vehicles start blasting away at Hulk. Two of the men grab Queen while Hulk reels from the blasts. Hulk loses his grip on the submarine, and when it hits the floor a wave of mud clouds the water. Hulk makes it to the surface and shouts for Queen.

Queen is aboard a submarine with someone who, for her, is a familiar face… Barney Fiddler, deputy US agent. Queen asks why they attacked them, and that they were just trying to help. Barney says that they were going to raise the submarine. Barney says that he is there to make sure that it doesn’t happen. Queen says that they could easily be saved. Barney says that nobody can save them. Barney says that the submarine is an experimental first strike stealth submarine. He says that the sub is undetectable, and that it has six biological warheads. He says that the risk of exposing everyone to the biological weapon is so dangerous that they can’t risk opening the sub to save the sailor’s lives. Barney says that he needs Queen to control Hulk before he causes an ecological disaster. Queen snatches Barney’s lighter and lights Barney’s cigar. She says, “Not so sure I can help you there, Barney… I mean, I dig the Hulk and all, but he is kinda, well, stupid… I can’t always control him. He’s just a big dumb animal you can get him to jump for you if you find the right lie… but he’s way too stupid to figure out things like global politics and espionage. That child-like pea-brain of his really couldn’t know that you’re lying your wide butt off. The truth is, you guys sank that sub. You’re gonna tell us, you buried it, but the truth is, you’re going to snatch it… haul it off somewhere so you can examine it for Ruskie secrets… and god knows what you’d do with the sub’s crew! So… much as Hulk and me would like to fall for this fairy tale you’re selling… we’re both way too stupid to be of much help to you!” Barney falls over when the Hulk hits the submarine. She pours the lighter fluid out onto the console and starts it on fire. Queen finishes, “I’ll be going now, Barn! You’re likely to be a little busy dealing with my big green pal and putting out the fire.” Queen leaps out of one of the ship’s escape hatches. The CO2 creates a pocket of gas in the water. The sea pressure forced the bubble towards the surface as fast as a bullet from a gun. Queen shoots right up through the surface of the water and into the air. Hulk leaps out of the water and catches her. Queen feels safe again in Hulk’s arms.

NO PUPPIES

Hulk takes Queen to the location where he managed to save the submarine. Queen wonders what if Barney was telling the truth. She wonders if they should save the men inside, or if they are already dead from biochemicals. Queen asks Hulk what they should do. Hulk says, “Why ask Hulk? Hulk is too stupid to help!” Queen asks Hulk what he is talking about. Hulk takes the marble out of his ear. Queen says that she had forgotten about the comm-link that she had given the Hulk, and that it had been on the whole time. Helicopters start to arrive.

Queen says, “Hulk… you don’t understand… I didn’t mean any of that… I was just trying to out-flank Barney… Hulk c’mon it’s me Queen… I love you…” Hulk says, “Love?! Love?! Making Hulk cook?! Shoving Hulk into plane?! This is how you love?! You’ve been laughing at Hulk all the time!” Queen tries to reply, “No… Hulk… never… you don’t understand…” Hulk shouts, “STOP SAYING THAT.” Queen tells Kono that she died and that she deserved it because she killed him. Hulk rips open the submarine and all the men run out alive and well. Hulk turns to Queen and says, “No puppies.” Queen watches Hulk run away.

Queen tells Kono that Hulk trusts people less because of her, and she ahs made him a little more dangerous because of it.

No Excuses rating: 6.5 out of 10

I love Christopher Priest's writing. He gets a 4.5 out of 5 for the writing, and the only thing that prevents him from getting a 5 is that this issue is strictly a filler with no real consequences but that isn't his fault. The art however is entirely another matter. The Hulk is very gawky and not very impressive. Queen is kinda cute in the story, and the image I've included was good enough to get this issue a 2 out of 5