She-Hulk #7

Title: “Universal Law part one: Space Cases

Writer: Dan Slott

Penciller: Juan Bobillo

Inker: Marcelo Sosa

Colors: Avalon Studios’ Dave Kemp

Editor: Tom Brevoort

The ring announcer proclaims, from the planet Skardon, that the next fight is Beta Ray Bill versus the Champion of the Universe. Beta Ray Bill tells Champion that his tyrannical reigns ends now at his hand. Champion tells him to bring it on. The Magistrati in the ring tells Beta Ray Bill that by Skardon law that since this is a contest of strength, speed, and skill that weapons are forbidden. Beta Ray Bill tosses his hammer out of the ring and says, “So be it.” The Magistrati says that if there are no further objections they shall proceed.

In Beta Ray Bill’s corner, Pip tells him that he can take Champion and that he has a feeling about him. Gamorra tells him to remember that the Power Primordial grants Champion infinite stamina. She says that he must be decisive and quick. Bill thanks her and asks Warlock if Champion has any weaknesses. Warlock says, “Pride. And a  predilection for cruelty. Bill asks how that helps him.

The bell rings for round one. The Magistrati thinks to himself that the outcome is never in doubt, but that he withholds his judgment. The Magistrati thinks how Champion is an Elder of the Universe, and about how he has never lost a match inside the ring. Champion hits Bill twice. The Magistrati thinks to himself that he knows that Bill will be knocked unconscious, but until that happens he will withhold his judgment… for that is the Magistrati way.

At the superhuman law offices of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg, and Holliway, She-Hulk tells Holliway that she did not sign up for this and that he brought her there as a lawyer, and not a security guard for his super-villain granddaughter. Sasha tells She-Hulk to bite her. She says that she would rather serve her time than spend another minute with She-Hulk. She-Hulk says that prison works for her. Outside Holliway’s door, Pug, Book, and Andy listen as Sasha says that at least in prison that she didn’t have to share a cell with someone that forgets to lower the lid. She-Hulk asks what she means by that. Holden tells them that it has only been a few days. Southpaw tells She-Hulk to admit that with her broad shoulders and deep voice that she is really a guy in drag. She-Hulk says that if she wants a piece of her to come on right here and right now. Southpaw grabs She-Hulk in her energy hand and says that they will see how long she lasts. She-Hulk says that this is kid stuff. She grabs one of the energy hand’s fingers and pushes it way back. Sasha keeps shouting “ow”. Holden tells them both to stop it. Both She-Hulk and Sasha say that the other started it. Holden says that he knew it and that deep down they are very much alike. They both say that they are not. Holliway tells Sasha that she is a wild child and that she needs a mentor and role model… someone who can keep her in line. He tells Jen that she can be a little care free and that she could use this type of responsibility. He says that it is a good fit and that he promises that it won’t be for long. Mallory Book opens the door to the office and laughs, “I get it! It all makes sense now! Walters was really brought on to be the firm’s baby-sitter!” Holliway tells her to get out. She says that she knew that they didn’t need her as a lawyer, but as a day care for their clients’ super-powered kids is genius. Holliway says that Book is way off base. He says that Sasha is no baby, and that She-Hulk isn’t her sitter. Both Southpaw and She-Hulk glare at Holden. He tells them that they can go back to shouting at one another because the silence is even worse. Holliway says that all the work he has accomplished in the field of superhuman law has all been for her…  to give her a second chance for her to get off the self-destructive path she is on. Sasha says that she didn’t ask for this. Holden says that he knows. Holliway tells She-Hulk that the role model that he wanted for his granddaughter is Jennifer Walters… the person inside her. He says that he knows there is more to them than mecha-gauntlets and gamma powers. She-Hulk says that is all well and good, but doesn’t know why he had to keep her in the dark. Suddenly the room fills with a flash of light. She-Hulk tells the others to get back and that she will handle this. Three members of Magistrati appear and introduce themselves. They say that they are judges, jurors, and advocates of the universe and that they are there to make an offer to join their order. She-Hulk asks Holliway who these clowns are. Holden says, “Ms. Walters, please!” He extends his hand to the Magistrati and says that he can’t believe it. He says that he has dreamt of this for so long. He says that it is a great honor and that he accepts. One of the Magistrati says that the offer wasn’t tended to Holliway, but to “her”. Southpaw accepts, but She-Hulk says that he is pointing to her. She says, “Me?”

The Magistrati finishes making his ten count on Beta Ray Bill. He awards the decision to Champion. Champion asks if that is the best they have to offer. He asks if there are none that can truly test him. He says that he hungers for more sport. Gamorra and Warlock help Bill up. Bill tells Warlock that he has failed him and asks him to forgive him. Warlock says that he did his best and that he could ask no more. Champion says to send him a worthy challenger or he will make this world suffer like never before. Warlock says that they accept. The Magistrati asks where their challenger is. Gamorra says that their associate is enlisting him now. The Gladiator walks into the ring. Warlock says that he is the mightiest hero in the Sh’iar empire and asks Pip how he managed it. Pip says that he told him that Champion was making fun of his hairdo. He says, “Heh, I pity the fool!”

As Champion hits Gladiator, the Magistrati thinks to himself that Gladiator was a good choice. He is the sole survivor of a race of supermen. He is strong enough to wrest planets from their orbits and to collapse stars with his bare hands. He thinks that Gladiator has no chance of winning of course, but that he will withhold his judgement… for that is the way of the Magistrati.

Holliway tells She-Hulk that the Magistrati act as agents, and the voice, of the Living Tribunal. He says that they arbitrate cases across time and space. Jen recognizes the Living Tribunal as the living embodiment of justice. Jen says that she has been all over the universe with the Avengers and the Fantastic Four and asks how it is that Holliway has heard of these guys and that she hasn’t. Holliway says that they only make contact with the most prominent legal circles of any planet. Holliway tells her to stay or leave his firm, but not to pass up this opportunity. He says that it is every lawyer’s dream to become a member of the Supreme Court, but that these guys are the supreme Supreme Court. She-Hulk quietly says, “Hope you know what you’re getting yourself into, Jen…” and agrees to do it. The Magistrati say they will leave for the star chamber where she will be given her robes of office and instructions. Holliway wishes her good luck and tells her not to worry about them. She-Hulk asks what about Southpaw. She says that the has no idea when she will be coming back. One of the Magistrati tells her not to fear and that it won’t be long. Southpaw says that the important thing is that she is out of there and waves bye. She-Hulk says that she can’t leave the girl behind and that she is her responsibility. The Magistrati says, “So be it” and bring Southpaw along. Southpaw asks why she dragged her into this. She-Hulk smiles and says, “spite”. Holiway watches them vanish and marvels that a member of his firm was inducted into the Magistrati. Holden tells Andy that he is sorry to keep him waiting, but that it looks like they won’t be needing plan B. He sayst hat thinks have taken an unexpected turn.

Southpaw and She-Hulk appear on a disconnected staircase floating in space. She-Hulk appears in new purple robes. Jen says that she wonders if she can get her old wardrobe back by spinning around like Lynda Carter. Southpaw tells her to go for it. She-Hulk asks what her problem is. Southpaw says that first it is prison, then she is stuck with her in her tiny New York apartment, and now she is stuck with her, literally, in the middle of nowhere. She asks if life could be more unfair. She-Hulk says that actually she just found out that life really is fair. She says that she just learned about the Living Tribunal, a cosmic being of unbelievable power that ensure that there is justice across all of creation. Sasha starts to say that she will believe it when she sees it, but then the Living Tribunal is before them. It says, “She-Hulk, welcome to the Star Chamber. Listen closely. The time has come for you to learn about universal law!” Jen stands in awe. She says that it is really him and asks Sasha if she has ever seen anything this incredible. Southpaw says that he isn’t wearing any pants. Jen tells her to shut up.

Gladiator is near defeat. He says that this can’t be. He says that he is Gladiator, the mightiest being in the Sh’iar empire. Champion says that maybe he should send him back there. Champion hits Gladiator and sends him flying out of the ring. The people ask if he is dead, but they are told that he is alive, but just barely. The Magistrati says that is a ring out and that the victory is awarded to Champion. Champion says to bring him another. The Magistrati asks Warlock if he has another challenger. Warlock says that he accepts Champion’s challenge. Gamorra tells Warlock that he doesn’t stand a chance against him. Warlock says that he has no choice. He says that they have scoured the universe for someone that could match this monster in brute force. He says that there is no one left. He asks who else could stop him.

She-Hulk sits on the bench and announces that she is presiding today over the Star Chamber’s cosmic claims court. She says that they will find her fair and impartial. She says that she is a little new to this and asks for their patience. Southpaw lies down on her energy hand and says, “Ughh… courtroom drama! Someone wake me when this’s over!” She-Hulk thanks Southpaw for undermining her authority. A recorder appears before She-Hulk and asks if she would like to hear her first case. She-Hulk says that he must be the baliff. Recorder introduces himself using her serial number. She-Hulk decides to call him Z9 out of his number. She says to move along to the first case. Z9 says that the first case is Meakaa v. Meakaa. He says that it is a familial dispute between the Emperor and Empress of the planet Honchi. He says that the Emperor wishes to raise their child in a religion that worship’s Honchi’s sun, but that the Empress wants to raise the child in a religion that worship’s Honchi’s moon. He says that they have refused to compromise and ask the court to settle the matter for them. Jen says that they covered this on in Sunday school. She says that the answer is to cut the child in half. She-Hulk freaks when the Emperor slices the kid in half. Z9 tells her that was well done. A clever application of the Honchi’s natural ability to segment and subdivide. Suddenly the Empress and Emperor are each holding a child. Southpaw says, “Like, you knew they could do that, right?” She-Hulk says, “Uh-huh. Youuu betcha.” Z9 asks if she is ready for the next case. Jen takes a drink and says, “Sure, why not?” Z9 introduces the chronolly-challenged Sloggs and the hyper-accelerated Blurzz. Z9 says that a Blurzz transport crashed on Sloggo-Prime. The Sloggs have offered to return the Blurzz to their homeworld, but the survivor’s refuse to leave the crash site. The Prince of the Sloggs beings to, very slowly, greet She-Hulk. One of the Blurzz says that this is intolerable and that they have lived there for 83 generations. He says that it is their holy land. One of the other Blurzz says that his great great grandfather was right and that these talks have gone on for centuries. One says that they are going to war. The other asks why they would cause all that destruction for a burned out crater. He says that they are leaving for a better place… a place of peace and understanding. She-Hulk dismisses the case just as the Slogg finishes greeting her. Z9 next presents three Watchers: Zoma, Uatu, and Qyre. Uatu greets Jennifer. Jen says that it is good to see him again. Southpaw asks what is up with the big bald guys. She-Hulk says that they are the Watchers, the oldest and most revered beings in the universe. She says that they see everything and record the total history of the cosmos. Southpaw asks what she was doing at noon. Uatu says that she was making flase accusations against She-Hulk. He says that she is female and always keeps the seat lid down. Southpaw says that is wrong on so many levels. Suddenly Z9, in a different voice says, “Agreed! It is an offense of the highest order!” Z9 explains that is the complainants speaking through him. He explains that they are a race of recluses, who have kept their planet hidden since time immemorial until recently when the Watcher Qyre discovered them in his sector of space. The recluses say that they refuse to be watched. He says that they have no right and that they demand their privacy. Qyre says that he is sorry, but that he is a Watcher. He says that now that he knows they are there that he must watch. The recluses say that this is unacceptable. Qyre sayu that like all Watchers he has taken an oath of non-interference. He says that he will never interact with this race in any way. The recluses say that is irrelevant. They say that they bother no one and keep to themselves, but that now he and their entire race has seen them. She-Hulk says that it seems to her that the genie is out of the bottle. She asks what they expect her to do. Zoma says that the complainant misspoke. He says that only his cousin Qyre has seen these creatures’ true forms. He says that Watchers see all, but only in their assigned sectors of space. He says that they meet at times for a gathering. He says that it is there that they pool their accumulated knowledge and share what they have seen. She-Hulk asks what if Qyre didn’t take part in his Gathering… if he remained silent and didn’t share what he knew with anyone. Zoma says that his vision and knowledge would be his and his alone. It would be a dark sector unwatched by all but one. They ask if this would make amends. The recluses say that they find this decision acceptable. Zoma say that they will abide the Magsitrati’s ruling. Uatu tells Qyre that his knowledge will be missed. Qyre says that Uatu’s companionship will be missed and that he will miss Zoma’s unique insights from the outer rim the most. He says to think of him at the next gathering, but then Qyre’s mouth disappears. Uatu says goodbye to Jennifer. Jen says goodbye and says that she hopes they meet again under better circumstances. Zoma says that until then they will be watching. Jen says that was pretty cosmic and that this is all a little too much. Southpaw tells her to get over herself. She asks her what she has really done here. She says that she goofed up the first one, did nothing the second, and on the third one she told a guy to stop staring and shut up. Jen tells her to shut up. She asks Z-9 if there are any more cases. Z9 says to hold on and that it is receiving new information.

Gamorra throws in the towel for Warlock. The crowd boos and hisses as Champion’s hand is raised. Gamorra helps up Warlock. He asks her why she did it. He says that she knows there is no one left to fight him and that she knows what he will do to this world. Gamorra says that he would have killed him. Warlock says that never stopped him before. Champion asks who will face him now. The Magistrati asks Pip if they have another challenger ready. Pip says that they are out of cosmic strongmen. The Magistrati asks Pip if they would like them to supply him with a court-appointed advocate… someone to adjudicate on their behalf. Pip asks if they can do that.

Z9 gives She-Hulk her new assignment. She-Hulk sees “planet Skardon” and says that she never heard of it. Southpaw says that it is just another boring place for another boring court thing. She asks when they are going to see some action.

Site for Sore Eyes rating: 6.5 out of 10

Review and pictures by The Leader

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