She-Hulk #8

Title: “Engagement Ring”

Writer: Dan Slott

Penciller: Juan Bobillo 

Inker: Marcelo Sosa

Colors: Avalon Studios’ Dave Kemp

Editor: Tom Brevoort

In the Star Chamber, Z9 tells She-Hulk that as a member of the Magistrati that she will often be called to try cases on alien worlds… worlds with their own unique brands of justice and dress. Z9 presents her with her own omniversal wardrobe. She-Hulk says that it is an infinite walk-in closet. She says that she has died and gone to Heaven. Southpaw says that it is more like the infinite wall of tacky. She says to look at some of this stuff. She holds one up and asks if these are supposed to be pajamas. Z9 says that it is the legal uniform of Slumber 7, a world of sleepers. He says that all court cases are tried in a collective subconscious of shared dreams. She-Hulk asks what the proper attire is for where they are going. Z9 holds up a pair of trunks, a tank top, and a pair of boxing gloves.Z9 says that Skardon is a fierce rule where the rule is trial by combat. Southpaw says that it is kind of like Earth then. As She-Hulk undresses behind a curtain she says that she thought the Magistrati has chosen her for her legal skills, but that just like her law firm back home all they really see her as a big green piece of meat. She-Hulk pulls her robe off and bares her breasts. Suddenly Pip appears behind the curtain. He says, “Grozit! Must’a died and gone ta Heaven!” She-Hulk, covering herself, grabs him by the throat and lifts him into the air. She asks what he is doing there. Pip asks if she means besides catching the free show. He struggles to say that Adam Warlock sent him to teleport a Magistrati back to Skardon. She-Hulk says that he is off the hook this time, but that if he does that again he’ll be teleporting to intensive care.

On Planet Skardon, in the outer rim of the universe, She-Hulk, Southpaw, Z9, and Pip arrive. Southpaw says that this place looks like a giant toilet. She-Hulk tells her to stop it and that she can’t judge an alien culture. Pip says that the kid is right and that he place is a total dump. He says that it wasn’t always like this and that it wasn’t until Champion started running the show. She-Hulk says that she remembers Champion from when he came to Earth a while back and challenged all of the world’s strongest heroes… all the strongest male heroes… to a cosmic boxing match and won. She says that her friend Thing was beaten to within an inch of his life. Pip says that he did the same thing here. He beat all the toughest Skardons and that by their rules it makes him boss… until someone can take him down. Jen says that she doesn’t like where this is heading. She-Hulk says that she thinks that they have the wrong gal. She says that she has seen this guy take down Sasquatch, Colossus, and Wonder Man one right after the other without breaking a sweat. She says that she isn’t in his league. Pip says that no one is. He says that these people are stuck with Champion as their leader and that he is starting to run things into the ground on purpose. Pip says that he let it get around that he was going to keep making Skard suffer unless a worthy challenger shows up and defeats him. Pip says that Warlock heard about this and came over to give Champion a piece of his mind. He hit him with his Soul Gem. Champion didn’t know what hit him, but that the Shard wouldn’t accept the outcome because it wasn’t in the ring or by the strict Skardian rules. They even nursed Champion back to health. Pip says that they had to try something different he, Warlock, and Gamorra went around teleporting around the universe looking for the biggest, baddest cosmic strongmen they could find. Pip says that all of them wound up kissing the canvas. He says that even Drax went down. Jen asks if he means Drax the Destroyer. She says that they are going to need a bigger boat.

Pip brings She-Hulk to the nursing station and says that Warlock wanted to talk to her before the main event. He says that he would have come himself, but that he is incapacitated. She-Hulk sees Gladiator, Drax, Beta Ray Bill, and even the Silver Surfer on cots. She asks if they all went against Champion. Pip says yes, but that it isn’t as bad as it looks and that he has a good feeling about her. She-Hulk says that she has seen the Surfer defeat Champion before. Pip asks if Surfer was using extranormal abilities like powers or weapons. She-Hulk says that he did. Pip asks if it was in a ring. She-Hulk says that it wasn’t, and Pip says that there she has it. She-Hulk says that Surfer has the Power Cosmic. Warlock, from his cot, says that in the end it didn’t matter because Champion has the Power Primordial. Warlock sees She-Hulk and asks her if she is the one that the Magistrati sent. Jen says that she is, but ask Warlock to tell her about the Power Primordial. Warlock says that it is the force behind all the Infinity Gems. He says that his gem gives him dominion over the soul. He says that Champion’s gem, that he has somehow reclaimed, is the gem of power. He says that with it that Champion is power incarnate. She-Hulk asks how she is to go up against that. Warlock says that he is sorry, but that he doesn’t know. He says that he has faith in her and that she is one of the Magistrati. He says that she brings justice and reason to the universe. Suddenly, Warlock is encased in a cocoon. Gamorra tells She-Hulk that Warlock is dead, and that they shouldn’t keep Champion waiting.

As they travel to the ring, She-Hulk asks Gamorra how she could be so cold. She says that Warlock was her friend and lover. Gamorra says that he is dead, but that he cocoon will revive him later. Z9 says that is true and asks She-Hulk if she wants him to recount the recordings of his deaths and resurrections. She-Hulk says that is okay. She apologizes to Gamorra. Gomorra tells her to focus on the conflict that awaits her. Southpaw asks She-Hulk if she has a “back-from-the-dead” coccon. Jen says that she doesn’t. Southpaw laughs and says that it was nice knowing her. Jen tells her to shut up.

She-Hulk kicks down the door angry. She says to let this thing get started. Champion sits in his corner and says, “Finally!” Champion sees She-Hulk and asks what mockery this is. He says that this is a female entering the ring. Jen says that the saddest thing is that statement is the closest thing she has gotten to a compliment all day. Champion says that he gave up fighting females long ago. He says that the experience boring and beneath him. The Magistrati referee says that it up to Champion, but that Skardon law states that he has to take on all challengers. He asks Champion if he forfeits the match. The crowd boos and Jen wonders if she is going to get to save this world because of chauvinism. Champion says that if he must he will fight the lesser being. She-Hulk punches Champion in the face and tells him that she will show him “lesser being”. Champion says that was well struck and says to start the round.

Champion punches She-Hulk in the ribs. He hits her in the face with a right and then a left. Champion holds up She-Hulk’s chin and punches her with another right. She-Hulk hears the Skard cheering for Champion and wonders what she is doing. Champion hits her in the stomach. She-Hulk swings with a left, but Champion ducks under it and then his her in the face with a right. The Magistrati stops the fight and says that she is woefully outmatched. He says that if he were to let the match continue that she would perish. He awards the match to Champion. Champion raises his arms in victory as She-Hulk protests. She says that she can still go on and that this isn’t fair. The Magistrati asks if she finds his ruling unjust and asks if she wishes to file an appeal. She-Hulk realizes that maybe the Magistrati don’t need her because she is a green piece of meat, but because she is a green piece of meat with a law degree. She-Hulk says that she would like to file an appeal and asks the court if it will give her some time to put her case together. The Magistrati grants the appeal and says that they will reconvene there in three solar months for a rematch. Champion says, “Rematch?” He says that he has won clear and undisputed matches since the dawn of creation, and that now with a Magistrati presiding that another of that order fighting him causes this to happen. He grabs the Magistrati and asks what trickery is going on here. The Magistrati cautions Champion. He says that Champion may have the Power Primordial, but that he is the voice of the Living Tribunal and asks Champion if this is how he wishes to address them. Champion says that she can have her rematch, but that for this affront to his dignity, sport, and flawless record, that he will crush and humiliate her. The people boo as She-Hulk is helped out the arena.

Gamorra asks She-Hulk if she will be able to find a legal reason for this appeal. Jen says that is the least of her worries right now. Southpaw says that the first thing is that She-Hulk knows jack squat about boxing. Gamorra says that she may be able to help there, but that Champion is exponentially stronger than her. Pip says that she just has to hit the gym a little. Jen hears the word “exponentially” and remembers Pug saying that he thought she would work out as Jennifer Walters. She-Hulk told him that she is super strong as She-Hulk. Pug says that she is exponentially stronger. She realizes that is the key. She thanks Pug wherever he is.

At Timely Plaza, Pug is trying to tell the two Guardsmen that their offices are closed. He tells them to make an appointment and come back tomorrow. The Guardsmen say that they are from the Raft and that they are there as a surprise inspection to check the status of Southpaw. He tells Pug not to make them use their repulsors. Holliway opens the door to his office and asks Pug what he problem is. Pug says that they are there to check on Southpaw. Holden asks if that is all. He opens the door wide and reveals Southpaw sitting on a chair blowing a bubble. Holliway says that if there is nothing else that he can validate their parking. The Guardsmen thank him for his cooperation and go. Holliway closes the door and says that was close. Southpaw turns back into Ditto and says what that was… was fraud. Pug says that only in the broadest sense. Ditto asks if that is the “slap on the wrist” sense or the “ten to twenty in Rykers” sense. He says that he never wants to go back to jail. Holliway tells him that everything is going to be fine. Pug says that it has almost been three months and that they still don’t know where She-Hulk and Southpaw are. Holliway says that they do. He says that they are out there and that they are okay. He says that they live in a just universe and that it will work out.

A day before the fight on Skardon, Gammora tells Jennifer Walters, in her human form, to give her another hundred curls. Drax says that he doesn’t get it. He says that they are all better, and that they outnumber Champion. He says that they should just go smash him. Beta Ray Bill says that they have to respect this world’s culture and that this is how they resolve their differences. Warlock says that Bill is right and that any other outcome would cause chaos. Gladiator tells Surfer that what vexes him is what makes the Earth woman think that she will fare any better then second time. Surfer tells Gladiator to have patience and that appearances can be deceiving. Z9 plays “Eye of the Tiger”. When he sees Southpaw leaving he says that he can play another of Ms. Walters’ power ballads. Southpaw says that will do the trick. She leaves.

Southpaw walks the streets thinking how she has spent the last three months watching Jen and Gamorra “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”, listening to “musclebound male bimbos debate the prime directive” on a planet where fat Muppets go to die. She says that at least the food is good and takes some food off one of the vendor’s tables. The vendor asks if she is going to pay for that. Southpa asks if he takes “four finger discount” and then uses her energy fist to smash him against the ground. She says that the whole “might makes right” thing doesn’t suck either. Champion takes the food out of Southpaw’s hand. He says that she shouldn’t abuse these poor creatures… he says that is his job. Southpaw grabs Champion in her energy hand. She releases him and realizes that he is tough. Champion says that she is as well and that the power level of her weapon is very impressive. Southpaw says that maybe when he is done with “Miss Green Thing” that she can give him a shot. Champion says that it is bad enough fighting women, but that now they want him to fight infants. He grabs her gauntlet hand and tells her to consider herself lucky that the Skard would never let her in the ring with her weapon.

Back in the gym, Southpaw is brooding. She says that she would fight Champion, but that she can’t because of some stupid rule: no weapons in the ring. She says that she never saw that on WCW. Jen tells Z9 to pause. She asks Southpaw what she just said. Southpaw says that they wouldn’t let her in the ring because her gauntlet is a weapon. Jen says that foreign objects aren’t allowed in the ring. Beta Ray Bill says that is true. He says that they wouldn’t let him keep his hammer or the Surfer his board. Jen says that is the answer and that it has been pratically staring them in the face the whole time.

Inside the ring, She-Hulk, in her robe,  says that the grounds for her appeal are as follows. She saysthat in their previous fight that Champion was in possession of a foreign object… his Infinity Gem. She says that in accordance with Skardon law that she demands it be removed for the rematch. Champion says that even without his gem that he is still one of the strongest beings in this continuum. Champion says that he is more than a match for her. She-Hulk says that if that is true then what does he say about upping the stakes. She says that if she beats him that not only will he relinquish control of this world, but that he will never again wear his gem. Champion says that he agrees, and that after She-Hulk loses that she will become one of his wives and bear him many strong sons. He says that someday he may actually have a fitting contender for his title. Southpaw shouts out that she accepts. She-Hulk says that it doesn’t matter and that she doesn’t plan on losing. She-Hulk takes off her robe and Champion says, “By the fires of eternity, woman! What has happened to you?” Jen flexes her bicep and says that she has been working out. Champion says to start the match. She-Hulk hits Champion in the face and rocks his head backward. The people cheer for She-Hulk as she hits Champion in the stomach and lifts him into the air. She hits him again in the air. Z9 says that the crowd has said She-Hulk’s name over six thousand times. It asks what the purpose is. Pip says that it is so they won’t forget who the biggest, baddest babe in the universe is. She-Hulk takes a bow as the referee Magistrati awards the match to her. He tells Champion that he is champion no longer.

Gladiator helps She-Hulk off with her gloves. He says that she fought well, but that she must realize that without his gem of power that any of them could have beaten Champion. She-Hulk tells Gladiator to keep telling himself that. In the background, the Skard are tossing out Champion. Z9 tells Jen that it hopes to see her again. Jen asks if that was the last case. She asks if she can go home. The Magistrati says that for now she can. The Skard says that she is the victor and that she must stay and be their queen. She-Hulk turns to Warlock and asks him to do something. Warlock says that she has done more than her share and that they will handle things from here. He says that Pip will take her and Southpaw back to Earth. Jen says, “Thanks! People of Skardon, hear me. I leave you in the hands of Adam Warlock. With his help, I’m sure you’ll find a way to rule yourselves… through wisdom and understanding. Remember, what you saw todaywasn’t about ‘might making right.’ It was about finding a way to win. Using strength of mind, not body! That’s what you should revere!” Southpaw says that She-Hulk really pounded that guy with her mind. Jen says that she can’t even let her have a moment. They teleport away.

The Skards get into a fist fight trying to decide who has the biggest brain and who should lead. Warlock turns to Z9 and says that this may take a while.

Site for Sore Eyes rating: 8.5 out of 10

Review and pictures by The Leader

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