Spider-Man's Tangled Web #13

Title: "double shots”

Writer: Ron Zimmerman

Penciller: Sean Phillips

Inker: Sean Phillips

Colors: Steve Buccellato

Editor: Alex Alonso

A man in a hat and trench coat walks into a bar. Inside he looks around and see various supervillains having drinks. He spots the Rhino, El Matador, Stilt-Man, Whirlwind, and Mr. Hyde among others. He takes a seat at a table. A waitress walks up and asks him how it is going. The man says that it is going well and asks how it is with her. The waitress says that she is fine and introduces herself as Timber. The man says that he loves her name. She explains that her parents were hippies. She says that she hasn’t seen him there before and asks if he is sure that he is in the right place. He says that he had heard about this bar and had to see if it was true. The man asks her if that is Whirlwind over there. She says that it is and that he is playing pool with Mr. Hyde. She tells him that Mr. Hyde is a big freak and not to even talk to him. She says that Whirlwind is kind of cool, but that he doesn’t hold his liquor very well. The man says that he isn’t looking for any trouble, but that he is surprised that he wears that big helmet when he isn’t working. Timber says that “he must have uber strong neck muscles”. Timber asks the man if he is one of them. He asks her if he looks like one. Timber says, “Nah… not really.” He says that it seems like an exciting lifestyle, and that he would be lying if part of him wasn’t green with envy. The man asks Timber if he could have a drink. Timber says that she is the worst waitress. He tells her not to worry about it and asks for a double shot of bourbon, neat. He says that it was nice talking to him and trails off as if asking for his name, but the man just thanks her. Boomerang watches Timber walk as Doctor Octopus walks into the bar.

Stiltman and El Matador and are talking about whether Daredevil is gay. El Matador says that he has never heard that before, but Whirlwind points out his lisp and says that all he is saying is that he might be. He mentions Daredevil’s costume and says that come to think of it that El Matador’s costume might indicate that he is. El Matador starts getting angry and says that this is why he doesn’t drink with him. Stilt-Man tells “Ricky Ricardo” to calm down and that he will buy the next round. The bartender tells El Matador and Stiltman to take it outside and that they know the rule. Stiltman says that El Matador started it. Radioactive Man tells the bartender to let them fight and that it will be funny. The bartender says that anyone who wants to fight can talk to his VBC stick first. El Matador asks what the stick is. The bartender says that VBC is his “villain be cool” stick, and tells him not to make him come over the bar. Whirlwind tells everyone to chill and that Calab, the bartender, wasn’t Doctor Doom’s head of security for twelve years because he is nice to look at. Timber’s eyes open wide as she looks at Calab. He asks her what she needs and Timber tells him she needs bourbon neat for the “civvy” at table six. Calab asks her if she knows him, but Timber says that he just seems nice and is people watching. Calab says that he can’t wait to close.

Vulture walks through the door and the man at six motions for him to come over. Everyone watches Vulture walk to the table and sits down. Vulture says that he had a terrible week and asks why he wanted to meet in this “hellhole”. The man says that he has never been there and that it is quaint and almost funny. He says that the waitress is a nice girl. Vulture says that she is stuck up. He says that he asked her out and that she just looked at him like he was out of his mind. The man suggests that she might be a little young for him. Vulture says that she is just a nasty little snot and that she probably likes the pretty boys. Vulture says that he was seeing a woman for the last nine months and that she was always ragging on him because he snored. He says that she talked him into getting the laser throat surgery and that it hurt like hell for two weeks. He says that he finally gets healed up and she dumps him. He says that he doesn’t even know if he stopped the snoring. Vulture says that he always goes for the mean ones. The man says that at least he got that great story out of it. Vulture says that he doesn’t need to have his chops busted and that he has already had a bad week. The man apologizes and says that he was just trying to keep it light. He asks Vulture what happened. Vulture says that he got into it with “him” on Wednesday afternoon. The man says that he takes it he lost, but Vulture objects that he doesn’t fight fair. The man asks Vulture if he does fight fair. Vulture says that of course he doesn’t, but that he is the villain and that there are supposed to be some rules. The man asks if Vulture was committing a crime. Vulture says that it is his job, but that there should be some rules. The man says that there are very few rules left in the world anymore. Kraven appears at the table and says that there are endless rules in the jungle. Kraven sits down and says that he had a ridiculous week and that someone needs to get him a drink before his head explodes. The man motions for Timber.

Tombstone comes up behind Kraven and says that it is Kraven’s little whelp. Kraven thanks “Mumbles” for dropping by. Tombstone introduces himself. He says that he and Kraven’s father had a beef, and now that he is dead that he inherits it. Kraven says that he was totally satisfied with the thirty million dollars that he left him. Tombstone says that Kraven has a fat mouth and that he thinks he will close it up. Kraven pinches his nose between his eyes to alleviate his headache. He says, “Oh god, I’m not up for this. Who are you again?” Tombstone repeats himself and tells Kraven to get ready to see his father. Kraven says, “Kidneystone, you’re not going to enjoy this at all.” Kraven grabs Tombstone in a very sensitive area. Vulture shouts for Kraven to kill him. Kraven says that he isn’t worth the trouble and asks Tombstone if he is done being “oh so scary and tough, mister ballroom brawler”. Tombstone says that he is and runs out of the place when Kraven lets him go.

Timber brings the drinks over and says that she is glad that his friends found him. She asks Kraven how he is doing. Kraven says that he is better now that she asked. He orders another round of double shots for the table. Timber walks away and Vulture says, “Oh, no… don’t tell me you…” The man says that Kraven cuts quite a swath. Vulture says that this is sickening and that she didn’t tell him that she was Kraven’s girlfriend. Kraven tells him to relax and that they just went out a few times. Vulture asks if he can’t like a girl. Kraven says that you can’t like “a girl” but that he can like a woman. He tells Vulture that there is a new invention called a mirror and that he might want to take a look at one. He says that there will be a lot of answers there for him. Vulture asks what he means. Kraven says, “You’re an old, ugly, bald dude named after an old, ugly, bald bird. Going out with cute young girls is not an option for you.” Vulture says that isn’t funny and tells the man to tell him that it isn’t funny. The man says that he is sorry but that he can’t as a large smile stretches across his face.

Timber brings double shots over for the table and asks if there is anything else that she can get for them. Kraven says to save time she can bring over another round on her next trip. Timber says, “You got it” to which Kraven replies, “and I hope to again.” He says that cheered him up a little, but that he is disgusted with the whole universe this week. The man says that Vulture had a bad week too and asks what happened to Kraven. Kraven says, “He did. And he had help. That idiot kid from the FF… Johnny Storm.” Kraven says that he needed the help too and that he isn’t going to push him around the way that he did his father. The man says that he is lucky that he isn’t in jail. Kraven says that he was but that he is out already. He says that he has a lawyer that can “sue the ticks off a dog”. He says that she is gorgeous, but that the funny part was that he wasn’t even committing a crime. Kraven says that he got into an “argument” with five made men from the Baritone family. He asks the man if he knows them. The man says that Tony Baritone is a formidable boss, but Kraven says that not to him he isn’t. He says that he hates all the “mafia crap” and that it bores him. Kraven explains that these mobsters are trying to get him to make him give a cut of a jewel heist that his father did for Tony Baritone’s uncle ten years ago. Kraven told them to kiss his butt and so when one of them pulled a gun that he starts breaking arms. He slaps the group of them around just for fun when a fireball suddenly goes whipping past his head. Kraven turned to see Human Torch coming at him. Kraven says that he had been dying to kick his snotty butt while Thing wasn’t around. Kraven remarks that it looks like Richie Rich got superpowers. Torch tells Kraven that he hates a bully. Kraven points out that there were six of them and only one of him. Torch says that he is going to roast Kraven. Kraven asks if this is personal. Torch says that he never liked him. Kraven says that he couldn’t care less and that they should start. Vulture notes that he hates the Torch as well, but that the Thing is tough and that you have to respect him. Kraven admits that he is a little afraid of Thing. Kraven goes on that he was leaping from roof to roof when he grabs a fire hose and douses Torch. Kraven says that he was all over Torch and that just as it was going well for him he was hit in the face with webbing and “you-know-who shows up”. Vulture says that he hates that. Kraven pulled the webbing from his face and Spider-Man says that he knows that Torch isn’t ‘Mr. Winning Personality’, but that he is a friend of his. Kraven punches Spider-Man and says that it isn’t so easy to crack jokes with a mouth full of blood. Spider-Man hit Kraven in the ribs and Kraven admitted that one hurt. He tells them that he thinks that he would have won if the Torch hadn’t come around and got back into it. Kraven says that he had a few outstanding warrants, but that his lawyer is a go-getter and quite motivated (indicating that he and her were an item). Kraven says that he was back on the streets in a few hours, but that it was all a pain in the ass and that he is sick to death of the super hero community. The man with the hat and coat says that they do seem to be everywhere. Vulture says that they are like movie stars who can fight and that he wishes they would all die in a flood. Kraven says that he doesn’t want all of them to die. He says that Jean Grey is gorgeous and what he would give for a shot at her. The man agrees that she is quite lovely. Vulture says that he could get her under the right set up. Kraven asks if that is the day that she goes deaf, dumb, and blind. Vulture points out that she is going out with Cyclops and that he is a bigger freak than him. Kraven says that Vulture is pretty much the biggest freak around. He says that his name is the Vulture and that is about as sexy as chemotherapy. Kraven says that he would get more action if he called himself the Gerbil. Vulture says to cut it out. Kraven asks if he wants friends that are going to lie to him. Vulture says that he does, but Kraven says that just isn’t him. Kraven says that Cyclops is a good looking kid. Vulture says that the heroes are better looking than them. Kraven says that they are better looking than Vulture, but that he looks great. Vulture says that the heroes get great looking broads too and that Reed Richards’ “old lady is very attractive”. The man in the hat says that she is beautiful, but a drab dresser. Kraven says that she is not going to age well and that she should try making her hips invisible. Vulture says that the Wasp is kind of cute, but Kraven says that she wears the worst clothes and that she dresses like she is fourteen. Vulture asks why there are no attractive women on their side. The man in the hat says that Calypso and Silver Sable are very pretty. Vulture says that he doesn’t know them, but that he met Medusa when she was with the Frightful Four and that she has great legs. Kraven says that he went out with Silver Sable and that she is completely narcisstic. The man in the hat says that he thinks that it is a mistake to date within the business. Vulture asks who he ever went out with. The man replies that he never went out with anyone, but that he just thinks that it is a bad idea. Vulture asks if he wouldn’t go out with the Black Widow. The man responds, “Redheads can be very crazy and difficult to deal with.” Vulture says that he would strangle a litter of kittens for one dinner with her. Kraven says that he has been there. Vulture says to tell him that he is kidding. Kraven says that the New York nights get cold. Vulture screams in frustration and Kraven says that he guesses that he doesn’t want to hear about his story with Alyssa. Vulture says that he hates himself. The man says that Vulture never told them what happened to him this week. Vulture says that it is nothing that he is proud of. The man asks what it was.

Vulture says that he was pulling a no-brainer armored car heist on the New Jersey Turnpike. Kraven signals to Timber for another round of drinks. Vulture says that he has the truck off in the woods and asks what Spider-Man was doing in the woods. The man and Kraven go back and forth, “Picnic? Camping? Fishing? Leaf collecting?” Vulture tells them to shut up and let him tell his story. They tell him to go ahead. Vulture says that Spider-Man was in a tree and the he kicked him so hard that they wouldn’t believe it. Both say that they would believe it. Vulture says that for a little guy he kicks like a mule. Vulture says that it was the usual fight and that soon he was on the ground. The man says that it appears that he got away. Vulture says that he just barely got away. Timber brings the drinks and Vulture says that he is getting really hammered. Kraven says to finish how he was getting hammered by “him”. Vulture asks if they know what he hates most about those super types. Kraven guesses that it is the pain. Vulture says that he has been getting beaten up since he was five, but that he just hates the jokes. Vulture asks who wants to talk when they fight and says that it isn’t a prom. The man says that it seems to be an occupational hazard. Vulture says that he is sick of it. Kraven asks if Vulture ever came close to winning the fight. Vulture says that at least he didn’t get busted like Kraven did. Kraven says that the handcuffs didn’t hurt as much as the bald jokes. Vulture says that it is supposed to be business and that him making it personal is a low blow. Kraven says that ultimately everything is personal. Kraven asks if they think Clinton would have been so vilified if people weren’t taking his lifestyle personally. Kraven says that is why the tabloids outsell the Wall Street Journal. The man asks if they can hear the end of Vulture’s story. He asks how Vulture escaped. Vulture says that it was chickens. Vulture says that he tore up some chicken farm and that Spider-Man stopped to help round them up while he got away. Vulture says that it was pretty sweet. Kraven mockingly says that it was real smooth and asks the man what he imagines Captain America would do to Vulture. Vulture shouts that he is doing the best he can and that he wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Kraven stares at Vulture. Vulture asks if he said, “lucky enough to be born with…” Kraven says that he left that out and Vulture said that he meant to say it. Kraven says that was good thinking. The man in the hat says that is enough and that they came out to have a few laughs, not to fight like schoolboys. Kraven says that he doesn’t need his mouth either. The man says, “Is that a fact?” Kraven’s scowl turns into a smile and suggests buying the next round.

Vulture says that he is thinking about rebuilding his armor costume. Kraven says that he hates armors and asks what is wrong with developing some fighting skills. Vulture says that Falcon has a nice rig. Kraven says that he looks like Siegfried and Roy’s opening act. The man says that he is not a fan of armor either. He says that weapons can be used to great effect, but that armor seems a little much. Vulture points out that the man never said what happened with him this week. The man says, “Not much of a story to tell. I have a very… different relationship with him. He tends to get quite emotional when we meet. I never see the witty banter and raucous interplay you fellows do.” Kraven asks why not and says that he seems to be the same with everyone. The man says that he isn’t with him. The man signals Timber for the check. The man hands her a few bills and tells her to keep the change. Timber is surprised and thanks him. The man says that he has to go. Vulture says, “Without telling us anything?” Kraven asks what happened with them that makes him so special. Kraven says that they have all had their scrapes with him. The man says, “Scrapes…yes. Well if you must know… here’s what I think it might be. A few years ago we had a run-in and he was winning and I got pretty angry and decided to make a point with him. A point that he wouldn’t forget. I suppose I broke my own rule and got a touch… personal about things.” Kraven says that everyone in the bar has done that. The man says, “Probably. But not quite as pointedly as this. I decided to show him how serious I was. I wanted to make sure that he knew exactly what he means to me.” Vulture asks what he did. The man says, “What did I do? Oh, nothing much… I kidnapped his girlfriend.” Norman Osborn takes off his hat and places a pumpkin bomb on the table. Osborn continues, “And killed her. Right in front of him. It was a blast!” Everyone in the bar stops and stares aghast at Norman. Osborn finishes one more double shot. He puts his hat on and walks towards the door. He says, “Next week, gents?”

Outside the Green Goblin rockets away on his glider.

Tangled Web rating: 8 out of 10

I have to admit that I had my doubts about Ron Zimmerman writing a comic book, but he does a really good job with this issue. He is very wordy, but much of his words are very entertaining. The ending was pure genius although Green Goblin always seems to “break his own rule about getting emotional” when it comes to Spider-Man. Writing gets a 4.5 out of 5. Sean Philips does a remarkable job with the facial expressions in the book and his art really lends to the conversational nature of the issue, but his general style is a little crude for my tastes.